Eves Desperation for “any type” of L.O.V.E

love

   /lʌv/ Show Spelled [luhv] Show IPA noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
noun
1.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.
sexual passion or desire.
4.
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.
(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
verb (used without object)
Love is such an important component for survival in this hectic life we live.  When we don’t have love, then as humans we seek love, and often we become desperate for it. There is nothing wrong with the desire for love, we need love, it feels amazing to be loved, to love and to be in love. But, the problem occurs when desire turns to desperation. . . When we become desperate to possess love, we go about it in all the wrong ways. We try to make love into something it’s not and call things Love’s name when love has nothing to do with it. For instance, a man who physically abuses his girlfriend may say he loves her, but what kind of love is that. It is only a woman desperate for love who is willing to accept that type of treatment; confusing love with something it’s not.
I will discuss EVES today because I experienced an EVE earlier this week and it completely threw me for a loop.
I was on the airport, from a full day of travel, and i was beyond tired, lost luggage cancelled and delayed flights, dear heavens. Any who, I was walking and I overheard this women saying “I slept on the airport last night”, in my head I was like, “SHIT, if my day sucked then hers must of been beyond shitty”,  Some how this women and I start talking, she tells me her story. . .
She is a roughly 40 years old woman, from Ohio I believe, she met a man online on August 1, 2012, they chatted and I suppose she really started liking him, so he told her to fly down to Houston, TX and he would pick her up, on August 31, 2012, a month after meeting online. So shes pays $400+ for a one way ticket to Houston, he was suppose to drive from Dallas, TX to Houston, TX (a 4 and a half hour drive), the problem is he never came and rejected her phone calls when she called him. This women came to Houston with minimal money, not enough for a hotel, no family or friends in Houston, just stuck on the airport.
So in my mind, what would posses a woman to do such a stupid thing. . .  DESPERATION FOR LOVE.
Love wants to uphold you, cherish you, caress you, protect you; love is not violent, vicious, or crude. People, when will we wake up to the truth, it is not that love is not all around us, it is our stubborn refusal to receive love, our desperate longing, and misdirection that keeps us opening the wrong door.
 

If you feel desperate for love then just stop for a minute. You are most likely headed in the opposite direction of love. STOP! trying to do too much. There is no one you need to impress or please. Love accepts you completely for who you are. So be free! Love is waiting for you to just ask for what you truly desire.

 

GOD IS LOVE, LOVE IS GOD

 

 

Women who love too much!

Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.
Dr. Schwartz’s Weblog

 

I straight stole this from a Website but I like it so I’m reposting it!! Much love to Mentalhelp.net though!!

Women Who Love Too Much, Are You One of Them?

Allan N. Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. Updated: Jun 30th 2009

This posting is a review of a wonderful book that some of you may already be aware of and others not. It was written by Robin Norwood back in 1985 and was republished in paperback by Pocket Books in April of 2008. It is recommended reading for people who become ensnared in a similar type of unhappy, unfulfilled and torturous relationship pattern. What I found interesting about this book was the fact that it accurately portrayed a certain type of woman who sought psychotherapy with me over the years.

Essentially, “women who love too much” are those who are always seeking love and affection from partners who are unavailable. Their unavailability may stem from such problems as their alcoholism, narcissism, fear and avoidance of intimacy, rage, inability to form lasting attachments and any other of endless numbers of personality problems that make them unsatisfactory partners for anything like a permanent and happy marriage.

Yet, as Norwood points out, there are certain types of women who pursue men who will never make them feel happy. The reason for this unhappiness is that they are forever pursuing love from someone who cannot or will not gratify their needs and wants for love, safety and security.

In fact, some of the men they pursue are abusive, rejecting, cold, distant, sadistic, ungiving and emotionally unresponsive. Some of these men even make themselves physically unavailable for weeks or months under one pretense or another. Yet, the woman continues to pursue. In fact, why do they become obsessed with these men? All the evidence points to the fact that these women repeat the pattern and seemingly learned nothing from their prior unhappy experiences.

Transference:

Norwood provides many explanations for why and how these unhappy women repeated trap themselves in unfulfilling relationships. Basically, what she points to is the fact that these women are seeking the love that eluded them when they were children. In each case she cites, either one or both parents were unavailable to them. The unavailability may have been due parental personality problems, alcoholism and drug abuse, domestic violence or any number of other problems that interfered with parenting.

In a way, what Norwood is describing is an example of the old saying that, “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” And, so, the pattern is set during childhood and they try and try again, forever repeating the same process.

In my experience:

What always impressed me about these cases was the intensity of their obsessional symptoms and their inability to gain any understanding of what was causing their symptoms.

The sessions were filled with ongoing discussions of their current boy friend to the degree that it felt to me as though I was invisible. Actually, they were so preoccupied with these men that is seemed as though they were absent from the room.

Two of the most interesting characteristics of women who saw me for treatment was the fact that they rejected any “nice guys” they had dates with because they were “boring.” The boring men were available, interested and capable but did not fit the pattern of their past experiences. The other characteristic was that they reported how terrific the sex was. Yet, they seemed to miss the point that, while sex is important, so are the other areas of relating.

In so many ways, these women seemed blind to themselves and to the men they were with.

Defense mechanisms:

Obsessional thinking is viewed as a defense mechanism that the patient is unwittingly using to hide something else. In other words, “if I think about this all day then I need not think about something deeper and more troubling.” So, what was being hidden by the obsessional thoughts?

The answer to that last question varies from one individual woman to the next. The deeper issue can be something like wishing to evade real intimacy out of the fear that she could reveal vile things about herself. In this case, there can be a deep feeling of not being lovable. Another possibility is that the obsessional thinking can hide a fear of being controlled and dominated by an authoritarian man who represents the controlling and rejecting parent of childhood. Other possibilities are that obsessions hide deep seated depression, anxiety, believing that life is meaningless and, the list can go on.

Norwood advises that the way to break this repeated pattern of relating is to enter psychotherapy and gain additional  support from either joining or starting a women’s group for people with the same patterns.

Because the issues are deeply rooted in personality problems, it is safe to predict that the therapy will continue for a long time. I would recommend psychodynamic psychotherapy with an emphasis on existential concepts.
What this means is that the primary focus of the therapy is on the relationship between therapist and client. It is in that therapeutic relationship that the unhappy patterns of behavior are repeated and the therapy provides a corrective experience. Insight or understanding is not enough for the client. She needs an experience whereby she can learn a different way of living. It is difficult to remove blinders from one’s eyes and see what is really happening.

 

Tracy Mcmillian: WHy Your’re not Married: Is she right or way off?

  

You want to get married. It’s taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud — even in your mind — feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you’re hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You’ve never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother’s wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride — she was so effing happy — and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you’re not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering… Deep, deep breath… Why you’re not married.

Well, I know why.

How? It basically comes down to this: I’ve been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister’s son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.

I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated — traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I’ve become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships — someone who’s had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.

But I won’t lie. The problem is not men, it’s you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they’re not really standing in your way. Because the fact is — if whatever you’re doing right now was going to get you married, you’d already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let’s look at the top six reasons why you’re not married.

1. You’re a Bitch.


Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.

2. You’re Shallow.

When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You’re a Slut.

Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long.

That’s due in part to this thing called oxytocin — a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm — that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It’s why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn’t even all that great and the next thing you know, you’re totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that’s how it happened. And since nature can’t discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you’re going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You’re a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.”

You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don’t tell him that. That’s your secret — just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can’t live without you. I have news: he will never “figure” this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn’t be lying to him in the first place.

5. You’re Selfish.
If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say — if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You’re Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son’s artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you’re trying to be. They’re attractive, sure. They’re just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.

Alright, so that’s the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won’t. Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession — a free-agent penis — and for us, it’s the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.

Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I’m Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books. She lives in Los Angeles with her 13-year-old son. Follow her on Twitter.

Eves who “forgive” Guise, is it true forgiveness?

You may have noticed that I put FORGIVE in quotation marks! But why?

lets define forgiveness—->

  • The term ‘forgive’ derives from ‘give’ or to ‘grant’, as in ‘to give up,’ or ‘cease to harbor (resentment, wrath).’ More specifically, ‘forgive’ refers to the act of giving up a feeling, such as resentment, or a compensation. And the term ‘forgiveness’ is defined as the action of forgiving, pardoning of a fault, remission of a debt, and similar responses to injury, wrongdoing, or obligation.
  • Forgiveness, as Jesus did on the cross when he was slandered and crucified. Jesus’ agonizing words from the cross, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do,”
  • Forgiveness. . . By choosing to forgive, we choose intentionally not to perpetuate the cycle of violence and revenge.
  • Gandhi once said that “an eye for an eye leaves both eyes blind.” Forgiveness allows us to replace “an eye for an eye” with “an eye for a heart.”
  • Forgiveness does not mean that we cannot or should not defend ourselves. Forgiveness does not mean that we condone destructive behavior. Forgiveness does not even mean that we must reconcile ourselves with the perpetrator. Forgiveness means that we

    take stock of what has happened, we grieve our losses, and we deliberately make the world a better place by not repaying violence for violence.

  • We commit ourselves to releasing our own grudges and grievances and to teach our parishes to do so as well.
  • Finally, we commit to learn how to forgive; whether that is through prayer or to partner with those who have proven methods so that forgiveness becomes more common in this world than anger and revenge.

As you may have noticed forgiveness is an extremely complex term/emotion. Is it ever possible to fully forgive, as forgiveness is stated above.

I know women who have been in relationships, in which, infidelity, deception and betrayal were committed, as we all know it is not an easy thing to overcome. But, most I have noticed were able to stay with their significant other (husband/boyfriend). I have also noticed that TRUE forgiveness was not apart of their relationship. There relationships seem destructive to themselves. There is the public fighting, deriding him to their friends, sleepless nights. The only way to overcome this is reconciliation. There must be reconciliation!!! If you are injured by the other, one could say that you two are pushed part by the injury, so to simply become friendly with one another, you all must repair the gap by reconciliation: coming from the Latin words “again” and “conciliare” meaning “to bring together”.

ABOVE MUST APPLY: IF YOU DECIDE TO RETURN TO YOUR

SIGNIFICANT OTHER!!

The act of reconciliation involves two parts: forgiveness and penance!!!!!!

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO, PAY ATTENTION BELOW!!!

Forgiveness can be difficult for many people simply because they are not clear about what forgiveness really is. All too often forgiveness gets confused with reconciliation, a larger process of which forgiveness is but one part. And all too often, reconciliation fails. So what does that do to your ability to forgive?

In this world you will likely come across many persons who refuse to make penance for their injurious acts.  

You, as the victim, can still forgive anyone, forgiveness does not involve letting the person off the hook, or does your forgiving someone mean that you must be reconciled with that person . . .  forgiveness is always your choice.


There can be one major psychological complication in regard to

forgiveness.

You cannot forgive someone until you have fully felt the pain they have caused you

“Imagine the person who says, “I’m at peace with what happened. I’m OK with it. Actually, it doesn’t even bother me. But my life is still miserable. What do I do now?”

If you find yourself in this position, in effect saying, “No, it doesn’t bother me. . . but I’m still miserable,” it is a good psychological clue that there is still something missing. Usually, this means that you’re still denying your unconscious anger and resentment, so even though you think you’ve come to terms with what happened, there are still emotions about the event which you have pushed out of awareness. In fact, many people can get caught up in this premature forgiveness as a way to avoid coping with all the unpleasant emotions they would rather not examine.

This can be extremely frustrating because unconscious resentments are essentially invisible to logic and reason. Because they represent things you would rather not see, they can be discovered only indirectly—such as when they continue to cause discomfort even though it seems that everything should be OK.

“So remember that if anyone has ever hurt you, you don’t find forgiveness, you give it.”

“If you have ever hurt others, all you can do is feel sorrow for your behavior; in sorrow, you can apologize, and you can make amends, but whether or not others forgive you is their choice.”


By Choosing to Forgive, We Choose Not to Perpetuate Cycle of Revenge. Contributors: Lyndon Harris – author. Magazine Title: Anglican Journal. Volume: 132. Issue: 7. Publication Date: September 2006. Page Number: 15. © 2006 Anglican Church of Canada. Provided by ProQuest LLC. All Rights Reserved.(Harris 15)

Why do Eves dislike Eves?

Could some one please explain to me why women do not like other women?

We have all heard of this question before, and received so many answer but it just seems like those answers never satisfies my thirst. I have heard of psychological approaches to this question, street approaches ” Bitches just be hating”, but what is it all about? It seems like women can never be happy for one another, and even if they try there is an underlying desire for them to fail. It’s like wishing them good luck but trying to tarnish their name while saying it. She is killing two birds with one stone: trying to look like the adult to others, while trying to destroy to herself. I love women and I love being a women but sometimes I do get these malicious urges! You what I hate more than anything that comes out of women’s mouth: “She’s just jealous of me”! Is that something you wish? I think people who love to scream that, are women who are covered in perspiration made from jealousy.

Here are some reasons:

1. Women feel that their biological prime-time is limited. She can easily be replaced by a new younger, more beautiful woman. Youth is a woman’s fair-weathered friend.

2. Women feel that other women control their man’s sexual fidelity.

3. Women feel that their level or degree of physical beauty is based on luck as opposed to something that she controls.

4. Women feel that other women can take something that they have worked hard to earn by using their beauty on the job, school and the legal system because men will be taken by her beauty.

5. Women feel that other women can not be trusted. They gossip too much, they are phony and they would take your man right before your eyes.

6. Women feel that other women divert attention away from them.

7. Women feel psychologically competitive with other women to be more attractive.

8. Women subconsciously believe that if they merely looked like another woman, they could inherit her life, her diamond, her man, and people would look at her with the same admiration.

Have you ever started a new job and all the women dislike, or give you a hard time? This tends to happen to me a lot. Once, they get to know me, they warm up and now our work relations are okay. I have never been that women to give the new girl an extra hard time.

I believe that WOMEN HATERS are simply insecure!

Okay while I’m writing I might as well continue right… SWITCHING SUBJECTS SLIGHTlY

Why do women call other women, whom their men are sleeping with and  cuss them out. Who is that benefiting? Are you not suppose to be upset with the cheater, i.e you MAN, not a random women who knew nothing about you? UGHHHHHHH. . .  this one really gets me going. If I have every had a problem with an ex of mine, I went directly to the source, HIM!  This obviously is linked to EVES HATING EVES.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK?



BIG SEXY SURVEY

Prince and lady on terrace at night

Image via Wikipedia

 

 

 Big Sex Survey.

 

WHILE some women say that over the years their relationship becomes like a pair of comfy slippers, others claim to be swinging from the chandeliers well into middle age.

What’s really going on in the  bedrooms.

To take part in the biggest-ever sex survey, simply answer the questions below

DR MIRIAM SAYS: “As a mature woman you have the experience and wisdom to give a valuable insight into how priorities change as we get older, and what contributes most to health, happiness and fulfilment – both as a woman and as a partner.”

1 Which age band do you fall into?

20-29

30-35

36-40

41-45

46-50

51-55

56-60

60+

PART 1

DR MIRIAM SAYS: “It is important to keep the channels of communication open in a relationship. This part is about how you and your partner talk to each other: how easy it is to raise any issues, how inhibited you feel about sensitive subjects, and how sure you are to get a sympathetic hearing if you raise a problem. It’s also about talking to close friends.”

1 AS you’ve grown older, on a scale of 1-5, where 1 is much easier and 5 is much harder, how has your attitude to talking about sensitive subjects, such as your sexual needs, changed?

1 2 3 4 5

2 ARE you more of a willing listener than when you were younger, for example, when your partner comes home with a problem?

Yes No

The same as when I was younger

Don’t know

3 AFTER all these years, what sensitive subjects, if any, do you feel too inhibited to discuss?

I feel comfortable talking about all issues

Intimacy

My sexual performance

My partner’s sexual performance

Other

4 DO you and your partner talk comfortably about his sexual needs and performance?

Yes

No

5 WHICH other people do you feel able to talk to about your sexual needs, possibly more than your partner?

Close friend

Family member

Colleague

Just my partner

Other

No one

PART 2

DR MIRIAM SAYS: “As we mature, I think it’s interesting to see the way our attitudes change towards the act of sex, and how it may become more or less important to us to be sexually fulfilled in the usual sense.

“Maybe we can now feel satisfied without actually having sex, because other things have started to give us that same sense of fulfilment. This section explores that part of you.”

1 AS you get older, what other things could you do with your partner that could fulfil you almost as much as sex? (Please tick as many boxes as appropriate)

Enjoy a romantic dinner together

Have a conversation and really listen to one another

Hold hands in the street

Breakfast in bed

Carry out a thoughtful act

A kind act

A generous act

Exercise together

Other

2 CAN you feel sexually satisfied with your partner without full sex?

Yes No

3 WHAT are the most important aspects of sex to you now? (Please tick as many boxes as appropriate)

Intimacy

Tenderness

Being loving with each other

Kisses and cuddles

Holding each other close

Penetration

Orgasm

Other

4 HOW do you vary your approach to sex to fit in with your changing needs?

Different times of day

Different places

Taking more time

Trying sensual massage

Other

5 HOW much of an impact would it have if you never had sex again?

I’d be devastated

I’d be upset

It wouldn’t make any difference

I’d be content

I’d be happy

PART 3

DR MIRIAM SAYS: “It’s rare for a couple to see eye to eye about sex, even during the first flush of falling in love.

“As we grow older, differences may open up that aren’t easy to resolve for all kinds of reasons. This part explores your approach to those differences.”

1 IF your sex drives are different, do you try to accommodate each other?

Yes No

2 IF your partner doesn’t engage sexually with you or can’t maintain an erection, what goes through your mind? (Please tick as many boxes as appropriate)

It’s my fault

He no longer finds me attractive

Maybe he’s having an affair

Other

3 AS you’ve got older, has the menopause changed your approach to sex?

It has increased my sex drive

It has reduced my sex drive

It has made no difference

Other

4 IF your partner had difficulty maintaining an erection, would you want him to try a medical treatment for it?

Yes No

5 ARE you aware that difficulty in getting an erection can mean a man may have more serious underlying health problems?

Yes No

6 WHAT diseases are you aware of that are linked to erectile dysfunction? (Tick as many boxes as appropriate)

Heart disease

Diabetes

Obesity

High blood pressure

Depression

Other

Not aware

7 AS you get older, has your ability to achieve an orgasm changed?

It has improved in intensity

It has improved in satisfaction

It has decreased in intensity

It has decreased in satisfaction

No change in orgasm over time

Orgasm is not as important as it used to be

Other

8 IF your partner used an erectile dysfunction treatment, would you find it embarrassing?

Yes No Don’t know

9 WHEN your children left home, did you find that this changed you and your partner’s approach to sex?

It increased our sexual activity

It reduced our sexual activity

It made no difference

Other

PART 4

DR MIRIAM SAYS: “One aspect of our sexuality that interests me is how we find different ways to express intimacy as we mature, such as hugging and touching. How do you feel about that?”

1 DOES sex itself have a lower priority for you and your happiness than it used to?

Yes No

Same as when I was younger

2 IS it because other forms of intimacy mean as much to you as sex once did?

Yes No

3 DO you think about sex as often as you used to?

Yes No

4 IF you don’t often think about sex, does it bother you?

Yes No

5 IF not, why is that? (Tick as many boxes as appropriate)

You feel you express your sexuality in other ways

Sex has been overtaken by other things

Sex isn’t as important to you

You get less out of sex

You don’t want sex as much now

Your partner’s gone off sex

You’re just too tired

Other

6 DOES sex mean so much to you as a sexual being that you’d help your partner solve his sex difficulties?

Yes No

PART 5

“I hope some of the questions have helped you find a new way of looking at yourself as a sexual being. So can I just ask you to answer a few more questions about that?”

10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make in Relationships

Symbol of the planet and Roman goddess Venus, ...

Image via Wikipedia

 10 biggest mistakes women make in relationships

 by Nicole Walker

  

I found a wonderful article; I thought I would share it with you EVES and Ladies!!!

Check for my added comments!! (In, of course, orange)

 Ladies lets play a Game!!

The numbers on the left in green represent how many apply to you and the percentages on the right in purple represents your precentage of your past or current relationships you’ve made big mistakes!

1-2 8.76-17.54%

3-5  = 26.28- 43.80%  <——- I land right about here

5-7 = 43.81-61.32%

7-9  = 61.33- 78.84%

10+   = 87.60%

Jealousy, mistrust, apathy, selfishness, poor communication, abuse, irreconcilable differences–the reasons relationships fail are many, and all too often the remedies for an ailing romance are few. While no surefire solution exists to guarantee that you and yours will make it last forever, relationship experts say that your chances at finding lasting romance are good if you avoid the 10 biggest mistakes Black (I would not limit this to black women. Why are there so many articles about sistas making mistakes?)Women make in relationships.

Based on the experts’ responses, and an informal survey of Sisters (and Brothers), the top 10 mistakes are:

1 LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG FACES 

Sometimes Sisters can get so hung up over what a man has, and what he doesn’t have, that they often miss out on a wonderful relationship. “We don’t have our priorities straight on our Good Man Wish Lists,” writes Denene Millner, author of The Sistahs’ Rules: Secrets for Meeting, Getting, and Keeping a Good Black Man. “We lead it off with superficial characteristics we think our man should have–like a gorgeous face and the body of a god–and in the process eliminate the all right-looking men who, if we gave them half a chance, could be absolutely good to and for us.” (I’m not sure if sistas are so much worried about the physical but the amount in his pocket, of course you want to be attracted to you mate)

Of course, there is recognizing a good man in spite of whether or not he has Denzel’s face, Tyson’s body and an equally attractive bank account (Cha Ching), and then there is settling for something altogether less than the best, just for the sake of having a mate (I think this is a good point that many research does not include when it comes to mistakes that women make). Julia A. Boyd, a psychotherapist and author of Embracing the Fire: Sisters Talk About Sex and Relationships, says that an “unspoken code,” which says Sisters have to be with someone because that’s what everyone expects, often leads many women to date the wrong men.

One thing I’ve noticed is that there is such a frenzy to have a relationship, to have a man on our arm, to meet this unspoken code,” Boyd says, “that we fail to look at the signs that say, `This may not be the best person for me.'”

Another mistake Sisters make is looking for love in men who are strictly off-limits. Women who knowingly and readily date married or committed men should prepare themselves for many a night, weekend and holiday alone because his primary relationship will come first. Even if he tells you that you’re the one he really wants to be with, experts say that in most cases, he’ll never let go off his main squeeze. But on the off chance that he does leave his wife or girlfriend, how could you possibly trust him to remain faithful to you? (I only know one women who has put herself in this situation, and I’m still not sure why one would set themselves up for failure and pain)

Some Sisters also do themselves a serious disservice by developing fatal attractions–desiring a man so badly that they do practically anything to get him and keep him, either committing acts that compromise their values and morals or wasting their time pining away for a man who isn’t the least bit interested in them. Like the movie which shares the same name, a fatal attraction almost always ends in tragedy. Don’t be a Thelma Frye, carrying a torch for that Reuben who neither wants you nor deserves you. Boyd says that women either have to make choices in their relationships that will give them a level of dignity or live to regret their decisions. (Sadly, I have witnessed so many women throw themselves at men who would never have them, sleepless nights and obsessing over a relationship that will never happen, these type of women will do anything to gain their attention (cook meals, clean, pay bills, sexual acts that are uncomfortable) for a moment, but when that moment passes, their back at square one, obsessing till the next time)

2 HAVING A SAVIOR COMPLEX 

So he drinks, smokes, swears, doesn’t like church or children, and nibbles his fingernails. But that’s okay, because once I get with him, he’ll change–famous last words spoken by Sisters once they realize all the kisses in the world won’t make a prince out of a toad. “We say, `I knew he had a drinking problem, but I thought I could fix him,'” Boyd says about women who con themselves into thinking they can correct whatever undesirable characteristics are present in their mates. “We can’t fix another person. We have to get over the idea we can fix everything that’s wrong.” (He will never change, period)

No matter how much a woman wishes, begs, cajoles or threatens a man to conform to her vision of perfection, he won’t change unless he wants to change. If he’s comfortable with the way he is, experts say you should be too. Otherwise, save yourself years of frustration and kiss your froggie good-bye. (Why not wait for the right guy in the beginning, and save yourself from the extra work)

3 SUFFERING FROM THE CINDERELLA SYNDROME 

The evil twin of the Savior Complex is the Cinderella Syndrome. Too many women are waiting for a rich, handsome and generous prince to sweep them off their feet and whisk them away from all their financial and emotional problems to a happily ever after, while they expect to do little or nothing for him in return. Guess what? No upscale Brother in his right mind would make a commitment to a gold-digger or an emotionally needy woman who only sees him as a means to a selfish end. (Okay so this one is a big problem for all women, we grew up one Disney Movies, how we could not want to be sweep up!

  • Cinderella is a beautiful woman who cleans her house and does all of the chores that her evil stepmother (another gender bias) tells her to do. She is dependent on finding a man to come and sweep her off of her feet and save her from this terrible life. Prince Charming is of course the man to do it. He is handsome and everything that a girl could want in a guy. He is nothing short of perfect.
  • “The Little Mermaid, who is another character that I’ve had deep resentment for since childhood. Ariel, other than being in the movie responsible for rekindling popularity for the princess narrative (the last princess movie was Sleeping Beauty in 1959 [which failed to make a large profit]), gives up her voice. For legs. And a vagina. So that she can be with some guy she doesn’t know. Yeah, fuck that movie.” from http://mendthiscrack.wordpress.com/2010/03/24/disney-princesses-and-feminism/ (this blog is perfectly perfect with their explanations of Disney movies and gender-0sterotypes)

  

4 GIVING IT UP TOO QUICK 

Another big mistake Sisters often make is giving up the key to their bodies, hearts, apartments and finances to a man without even getting to know his real intentions for the relationship. “A lot of women fly beyond intimacy and straight into sex,” says Ernest H. Johnson, psychologist and author of Brothers on the Mend: Understanding and Healing Anger for African-American Men and Women. “It’s like the body has just taken over. And they don’t really know this man. They don’t know his values, what his needs are how he copes and thinks.” Johnson says that only time will tell whether that man is in it for the long haul, so be patient. Until then, access to your heart, your body, your wallet, and your personal business should be restricted. (If you want a true mate waiting for sexual intercourse is the best, because culturally sexual promiscuity is look down upon)

5 MAKING LUST, NOT LOVE

Another mistake many Sisters make in relationships is equating sex with love and intimacy. While sex can be a means for two people to express the love they have for each other, it also can be an end unto itself. Unfortunately, some women still believe that if a man sleeps with them, it means he loves them, which is not always the case. Sex and intimacy are not at all synonymous.“We know people sexually, but we don’t know them intimately,” Johnson says. “We don’t take the time to get to know what a partner really needs, what a partner really wants to feel comfortable, to feel safe–which explains why when something is going bad, we’re at a loss over what to do, how to do, and when to do.” He adds that intimacy can take many non-sexual forms. It can mean cuddling, or just telling that special someone “I love you.” (This one could be a problem for you, if you suffer from number one and four)

6 LUGGING OLD BAGGAGE 

Expecting your current beau to mess up, cheat on you, or abandon you because that’s what your ex-husband, all your old boyfriends or your father did is unfair and sets the stage for trouble in paradise. Everyone deserves to start off a relationship with a clean slate, without the expectation of failure. Relationship experts warn that judging your man based on the bad actions of others lays the groundwork for a relationship built on doubt, insecurity and mistrust. The law of the land says all people (including men) are innocent until proven guilty, so don’t try, convict and hang him before he does something wrong. (This is something as humans we must learn to exclude from our lives and all of our relationship, not just romantic)

Democracy should not end on your doorstep.

7 SHOUTING AND POUTING 

Hell hath no fury like a Black woman scorned. Even the sweetest Sister can turn sour when sufficiently provoked. How many stories have you swapped with girlfriends about the nice little things you said or did to your significant other after he wronged you in some way, shape or form? And you must admit that some of those tales are downright frightening. If you think that scene in the movie waiting to Exhale where Bernadine made a bonfire out of her cheating husband’s BMW was just a product of the writer’s imagination, think again. Not to say that Black women just run around breaking and blowing up stuff, but we can lash out when the men we love hurt us. Experts say there’s nothing wrong with getting angry, even arguing. In fact, it’s healthy. Holding anger inside only allows it to fester until it erupts in self-destructive ways. Sisters should control their anger, and not let it control them. (Pouting drives me crazy)

8 DISRESPECTING HIM 

Whatever you care to call it–dissin’, putting in cheek, low-rating, fronting off, downing–all the names stand for the same thing, disrespect. Countless Brothers sound like Rodney Dangerfield, complaining that they get no respect from the workplace, from society, even from the women in their lives. “As Black men,” Psychologist Johnson says, “We’re not affirmed. We’re not looked at as positive, as powerful. We’re not looked at as men. We’re looked at as cheaters, we can’t be trusted–every negative.”

If Black women and men are to engage in healthy, loving unions, relationship experts say that mutual respect is a must. Women have to find effective, loving and affirming ways of getting their point across to their men. If a Brother does something displeasing to a Sister, she should wait until she’s cooled off, and then privately discuss it with him–which means not in front of his “boys” or her girlfriends. And what they discuss between them should stay between them. Anger should never give a woman a license for disrespect. (I have nothing)

9 ACCEPTING ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR 

Respecting a man doesn’t mean a Sister has to be his doormat. No matter how good he looks, how important he is, and how many bouquets of roses he sends to you after one of his “episodes,” under no circumstances should you put up with either physical or emotional abuse. Bumps and bruises heal, yet emotional sears may last a lifetime. Relationship experts say women should neither make excuses for his abuse nor believe that something they did or said is to blame for his violence. The experts assure women that it’s okay for them to still love their mates, yet leave them when their safety and peace of mind becomes jeopardized. Better to be alone and alive. (This is an obvious NO, although it happens allot, some women lose their voice)

10 LOSING YOURSELF 

Women often find themselves in relationships that are so self-absorbing that they no longer have time for family, friends or themselves. Johnson says that when women and men start relationships with each other, they both may shut off ties with everyone else “We unrealistically tend to believe that this person is going to fulfill every need we have,” he says. “`He’s going to be my lover, my best friend; I can talk to him about anything.’ Is it fair that the boyfriend, or the spouse, should fulfill all of those needs, all of those roles?”

Also, some Sisters love their men to death. This good-intentioned woman spends practically every minute of her time doting over him, attending to his every need, spoiling him rotten. Psychotherapist Boyd says that women must learn to love themselves first. “When I love myself first, it gives me space to love my partner.” (This should have been #1, so many women drown themselves in their relationship and forget about their friends and family, all of a sudden their only emotional outlet is their significant other, which can be disastrous, on numerous levels).

Why do EVEs become distracted by Sex?

Why do EVES become distracted by sex?

[Erotic detal from the base of Lakshana Tempel ...

Image via Wikipedia

What do I mean by women becoming distracted by sex? Well, I mean that women will CHOOSE to ignore the most obvious negative attributes of a man if he has a large penis and is able to satisfy her. Can sex ever really be so good that you forget that you pay for every date and pick him up in your car, that he has three children whom he does not take care of ( Or he pulls an ANTONIO CROMARTIE), that he never completed high school, that he does not know the difference from “sum” and “average”, that he is thirty-five and a “Team-Member Chili-head” at Chili’s Bar and Grill (this was kinda rude, I was a chili-head), he thinks its fancy to wear his fresh-to-death J’s to a nice event, and the largest word he know is copasetic. I have to ask again, is sex really ever that good? Apparently so! You would not even believe how many women I know who bang GUISE with those past credentials but they either don’t notice it or ignore it. Lets be honest they ignore it! Okay so now we know the answer, but why? We could look at female sexual dysfunction, which is a disturbance in or pain during the sexual response, this includes four categories:

1. Hypo-sexual Desire: the persistent or recurrent deficiency of sexual fantasies or thought and/or lack of receptivity to sexual activity

2. Sexual Arousal Disorder: the persistent or recurrent inability to achieve or maintain sufficient sexual excitement, expressed a lack of excitement or lack of genital or other somatic responses

3. Orgasmic Disorder: The persistent or recurrent difficulty, delay or absence of attaining orgasm after sufficient sexual stimulation and arousal

4. Sexual pain disorder: Sexual pain associated with sexual intercourse! ( THIS SOUNDS HORRIBLE)

Approximately, 40 MILLION women are affected by Female Sexual Dysfunction between ages of 18-59, and this dysfunction increases with age.

  • Married women tend to have a lower risk than unmarried
  • Hispanic women have lower risk than all races
  • European American women have lower risks than African-American women

So how does this information help understand the initial question?

I’m assuming the 40 MILLION women who are affected by this horrible dysfunction are so traumatized that when they find someone who can relive them, they refuse to pass up the opportunity regardless of the GUISE situation. His “oh so” horrible and traumatic situation. You know, traumatic to the women they are using! I guess I can sympathize, I would not go as far and empathy though because I still can’t fully understand and grasp settling for someone just because he has a nice Johnson. But what about the other 115.8 MILLION women (***Math time*** 155.8 – 40 = 115.8) who are not affected by FSD! I really think that it is more than just sex, it has to be about the false affection that they are receiving during those awesome 15 minutes. Maybe I can grasp JUST STRAIGHT sex but lets stop there, do NOT try to make a real relationship based on good sex, especially when he thinks 1×2 = 3 (Just so you know I met a guy who really thought that was true and somehow he made it through undergrad WTF people). HAPPY BANGING!!

-SM-

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Why in the world do EVES “babytalk”?

Baby talk is an extremely special and interesting phenomenon. Do we all know what I mean by “baby talk”? Let me give you an example. . . “Hewo, baby, I wuv you”, “You’re my little sweetie”, and lets imagine this in a high-pitch voice, or a sweet “itty-bitty” whisper. Oh BOY! If you still don’t understand just watch Khloe Kardashian talk to her “hubby wubby” on her show. She is a major offender of this crime and poor Lamar, the victim (Khloe I do wuv you a lot though, she is my Fav!!) I’ll be honest; I have been a culprit of this terrible crime! But . . . this is not an everyday action of mine, you might catch me really WASTED, and all of a sudden there goes my inner baby. But why must we EVES speak like babies to our GUISE? Do they even like hearing that annoying ass bullshit? And EVES do we not understand that it is kind of strange to revert back to our mothers vaginas? Let’s investigate. . .

There has been extensive research on this topic. The technical term is called Secondary Babytalk, which is defined as slurring two words together or using higher pitches, and baby like pronunciations. Two researchers Bombar and Littig established this phenomenon in adult romances and reported on its relationship to attachment style. The study says 75% of people who responded to their study used baby talk (That’s a lot, 3 out of 4 adults).

They found that it was positively correlated with relationship seriousness, satisfaction, love and degree of sexual involvement, which leads to more secure feelings about their relationship, stronger and more intimate attachment to their partners. Simply they are more secure in their relationships.

So now I am more annoyed with these research findings then the damn baby talk! The research says it’s healthy, WHAT???. I still think that it is fucking annoying!! My personal opinion, I feel like men ignore this “secure relationship builder”, due to the fact that they like feeling needed, it’s like literally taking care of a helpless infant. They feel wanted! And what GUISE does not want that. And….another theory of mine is that men do not respond well to harsh tones, (like bitching, as my EX would tell me) ones that seem to link to attitudes, so women try to speak in a neutral or extremely positive way, to avoid conflict. Many women do like to feel little and protected by their men, it is uncommon to see women towering over their 4’11” boyfriends. So speaking they way they want to feel sounds about right. Well now I’m going “bye-bye”, can’t wait to hear what you have to say. . .

-Shameeke Weeke Leekey-

AKA SHAMEIKA