Step 1: Don’t
Step 2: If you do, prepare yourself for amazing up’s and equally surreal downs.
The experience will NEVER end pleasant.
I dated an Alcoholic, SDD. The truth is I knew there was a problem with his drinking from the very first time we went out, but I ignored my sensibility and followed my urges. I was attracted to him and I wanted to get to know him. So we developed our relationship out of convenience. Many months later. . . I love him, I hate him and I’m confused.
Dating an addict is one of the hardest experiences.
Addicts are extremely endearing and have qualities about them which are the very things that you have fallen in love with. SDD was so physically affectionate and attentive to my needs. Anything I wanted, I had, without questions asked. They are often the most creative of people. They can be extremely caring and emotional. They may be the life of the party. This doesn’t mean that life with them is going to be easy, not by a long shot, but these qualities are the ones that allow them to develop relationships with people who will love them and be able to see something far more than just an alcoholic. I saw him for so much more than the alcoholic surface. I could imagine him being the father of my children, my life partner. I know it seems surreal but they are so cunning. I love him and it is simply the truth.
Ten steps to guide you:
1. Don’t become an enabler for the addict. No matter how much you want to protect and shield him or her from any hurt, this is not going to help them in the end and it is likely to harm you. Don’t lie for them. Don’t cover up the addiction. Don’t be the supplier of the alcohol. Don’t do anything that makes it easier for the alcoholic to delve deeper into the despair and destruction that they are already creating for themselves. —> I know I enabled him, I drink wine often and brought it to him. I should have never.
2. Protect your assets. If you have financial stability or are on your way to having it, an alcoholic can put a fast end to that, but only if you allow it. Don’t hand your money over or the access to it, even if the need of the day isn’t for alcohol. For instance, if the alcoholic can’t pay his or her car payment, it is probably because the addiction has spent that money prior to the immediate need that is being faced. The alcoholic that loses that car may be more likely to face the problem sooner than the one that continues to be “bailed out”. Keep your finances seperate and secure. —> I fell in this trap
3. Do not become a part of the addiction yourself. It can be easy, when you are dating an alcoholic, to begin to drink with the person socially. This can lead to more and more areas of your own life being related to drinking and in this way, alcoholism can be catchy. —> I found myself drinking daily with him
4. Educate yourself about the addiction. This can help you to learn how to cope with your own life with an alcoholic involved emotionally in it. It can help you to learn how to protect yourself from the addiction. It can help you to understand the addiction, both where it comes from and where it may be leading.
5. Keep your own friends and family relationships. The alcoholic may be from a different circle of people than you are, but you must keep those that you care about in your life. Do not allow your relationship with the addict to take over all of the other relationships that you cherish and that your life benefits from. You will become isolated into a world of alcoholics and eventually, you will find that you have forgotten who you were before the disease and its sufferers entered your life.
6. Do not become a defender of the addiction when people that care about you are expressing concern for you. It is too easy to become defensive, often because you know that the people who are expressing the concern may very well be right. Understand that they are only speaking up because they care and don’t want to see you hurt.
7. Keep yourself on the right side of the law. You may not be breaking any laws, but it is reasonable to assume that the alcoholic may be. He or she may be driving while intoxicated, may be intoxicated in public, or may be doing other things that the addiction leads them to do, which aren’t lawful. You need not ever lie for them, nor do you need to take responsibility for the choices that he or she makes.
8. Do not accept abuse of any sort. The fact is that there is a higher rate of abuse among addicts of all types of substances. They are not fully in control of their actions when they are under the influence, but they do make the choice to use the substance, so this is no excuse for abuse. There is never one and you must make very clear boundaries for what is not going to be acceptable in your life. —> Emotional and physical abusive is always a possibility and when he crossed over to the physical side that was the breaking point, always create a safe boundary, when its crossed there’s not returning.
9. Encourage the addict to get help, but do not feel that you are solely responsible for ensuring that you “fix” the alcoholic. Only he or she can make the ultimate choice to begin the ascent out of the addiction, but you can be one that encourages him or her to.
10. Assess yourself for the possible reasons that you are willing to accept an addict’s lifestyle into your heart. There are some people who seem to be magnetically drawn to addicts of all sorts. If you are one of these people, it is a good idea for you to really consider that there is a reason for that attraction. You may want to consider some sort of counseling or therapy for yourself in order to become a healthier and happier person, regardless of what your partner is doing. —> I had to look within myself and discover why I would allow ONE person into my life and allow them to invade my boundaries.
Protect yourself and your heart
I hope you receive all the help you need through this difficult journey. I love you, but I will always love me more.