10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make in Relationships

Symbol of the planet and Roman goddess Venus, ...

Image via Wikipedia

 10 biggest mistakes women make in relationships

 by Nicole Walker

  

I found a wonderful article; I thought I would share it with you EVES and Ladies!!!

Check for my added comments!! (In, of course, orange)

 Ladies lets play a Game!!

The numbers on the left in green represent how many apply to you and the percentages on the right in purple represents your precentage of your past or current relationships you’ve made big mistakes!

1-2 8.76-17.54%

3-5  = 26.28- 43.80%  <——- I land right about here

5-7 = 43.81-61.32%

7-9  = 61.33- 78.84%

10+   = 87.60%

Jealousy, mistrust, apathy, selfishness, poor communication, abuse, irreconcilable differences–the reasons relationships fail are many, and all too often the remedies for an ailing romance are few. While no surefire solution exists to guarantee that you and yours will make it last forever, relationship experts say that your chances at finding lasting romance are good if you avoid the 10 biggest mistakes Black (I would not limit this to black women. Why are there so many articles about sistas making mistakes?)Women make in relationships.

Based on the experts’ responses, and an informal survey of Sisters (and Brothers), the top 10 mistakes are:

1 LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG FACES 

Sometimes Sisters can get so hung up over what a man has, and what he doesn’t have, that they often miss out on a wonderful relationship. “We don’t have our priorities straight on our Good Man Wish Lists,” writes Denene Millner, author of The Sistahs’ Rules: Secrets for Meeting, Getting, and Keeping a Good Black Man. “We lead it off with superficial characteristics we think our man should have–like a gorgeous face and the body of a god–and in the process eliminate the all right-looking men who, if we gave them half a chance, could be absolutely good to and for us.” (I’m not sure if sistas are so much worried about the physical but the amount in his pocket, of course you want to be attracted to you mate)

Of course, there is recognizing a good man in spite of whether or not he has Denzel’s face, Tyson’s body and an equally attractive bank account (Cha Ching), and then there is settling for something altogether less than the best, just for the sake of having a mate (I think this is a good point that many research does not include when it comes to mistakes that women make). Julia A. Boyd, a psychotherapist and author of Embracing the Fire: Sisters Talk About Sex and Relationships, says that an “unspoken code,” which says Sisters have to be with someone because that’s what everyone expects, often leads many women to date the wrong men.

One thing I’ve noticed is that there is such a frenzy to have a relationship, to have a man on our arm, to meet this unspoken code,” Boyd says, “that we fail to look at the signs that say, `This may not be the best person for me.'”

Another mistake Sisters make is looking for love in men who are strictly off-limits. Women who knowingly and readily date married or committed men should prepare themselves for many a night, weekend and holiday alone because his primary relationship will come first. Even if he tells you that you’re the one he really wants to be with, experts say that in most cases, he’ll never let go off his main squeeze. But on the off chance that he does leave his wife or girlfriend, how could you possibly trust him to remain faithful to you? (I only know one women who has put herself in this situation, and I’m still not sure why one would set themselves up for failure and pain)

Some Sisters also do themselves a serious disservice by developing fatal attractions–desiring a man so badly that they do practically anything to get him and keep him, either committing acts that compromise their values and morals or wasting their time pining away for a man who isn’t the least bit interested in them. Like the movie which shares the same name, a fatal attraction almost always ends in tragedy. Don’t be a Thelma Frye, carrying a torch for that Reuben who neither wants you nor deserves you. Boyd says that women either have to make choices in their relationships that will give them a level of dignity or live to regret their decisions. (Sadly, I have witnessed so many women throw themselves at men who would never have them, sleepless nights and obsessing over a relationship that will never happen, these type of women will do anything to gain their attention (cook meals, clean, pay bills, sexual acts that are uncomfortable) for a moment, but when that moment passes, their back at square one, obsessing till the next time)

2 HAVING A SAVIOR COMPLEX 

So he drinks, smokes, swears, doesn’t like church or children, and nibbles his fingernails. But that’s okay, because once I get with him, he’ll change–famous last words spoken by Sisters once they realize all the kisses in the world won’t make a prince out of a toad. “We say, `I knew he had a drinking problem, but I thought I could fix him,'” Boyd says about women who con themselves into thinking they can correct whatever undesirable characteristics are present in their mates. “We can’t fix another person. We have to get over the idea we can fix everything that’s wrong.” (He will never change, period)

No matter how much a woman wishes, begs, cajoles or threatens a man to conform to her vision of perfection, he won’t change unless he wants to change. If he’s comfortable with the way he is, experts say you should be too. Otherwise, save yourself years of frustration and kiss your froggie good-bye. (Why not wait for the right guy in the beginning, and save yourself from the extra work)

3 SUFFERING FROM THE CINDERELLA SYNDROME 

The evil twin of the Savior Complex is the Cinderella Syndrome. Too many women are waiting for a rich, handsome and generous prince to sweep them off their feet and whisk them away from all their financial and emotional problems to a happily ever after, while they expect to do little or nothing for him in return. Guess what? No upscale Brother in his right mind would make a commitment to a gold-digger or an emotionally needy woman who only sees him as a means to a selfish end. (Okay so this one is a big problem for all women, we grew up one Disney Movies, how we could not want to be sweep up!

  • Cinderella is a beautiful woman who cleans her house and does all of the chores that her evil stepmother (another gender bias) tells her to do. She is dependent on finding a man to come and sweep her off of her feet and save her from this terrible life. Prince Charming is of course the man to do it. He is handsome and everything that a girl could want in a guy. He is nothing short of perfect.
  • “The Little Mermaid, who is another character that I’ve had deep resentment for since childhood. Ariel, other than being in the movie responsible for rekindling popularity for the princess narrative (the last princess movie was Sleeping Beauty in 1959 [which failed to make a large profit]), gives up her voice. For legs. And a vagina. So that she can be with some guy she doesn’t know. Yeah, fuck that movie.” from http://mendthiscrack.wordpress.com/2010/03/24/disney-princesses-and-feminism/ (this blog is perfectly perfect with their explanations of Disney movies and gender-0sterotypes)

  

4 GIVING IT UP TOO QUICK 

Another big mistake Sisters often make is giving up the key to their bodies, hearts, apartments and finances to a man without even getting to know his real intentions for the relationship. “A lot of women fly beyond intimacy and straight into sex,” says Ernest H. Johnson, psychologist and author of Brothers on the Mend: Understanding and Healing Anger for African-American Men and Women. “It’s like the body has just taken over. And they don’t really know this man. They don’t know his values, what his needs are how he copes and thinks.” Johnson says that only time will tell whether that man is in it for the long haul, so be patient. Until then, access to your heart, your body, your wallet, and your personal business should be restricted. (If you want a true mate waiting for sexual intercourse is the best, because culturally sexual promiscuity is look down upon)

5 MAKING LUST, NOT LOVE

Another mistake many Sisters make in relationships is equating sex with love and intimacy. While sex can be a means for two people to express the love they have for each other, it also can be an end unto itself. Unfortunately, some women still believe that if a man sleeps with them, it means he loves them, which is not always the case. Sex and intimacy are not at all synonymous.“We know people sexually, but we don’t know them intimately,” Johnson says. “We don’t take the time to get to know what a partner really needs, what a partner really wants to feel comfortable, to feel safe–which explains why when something is going bad, we’re at a loss over what to do, how to do, and when to do.” He adds that intimacy can take many non-sexual forms. It can mean cuddling, or just telling that special someone “I love you.” (This one could be a problem for you, if you suffer from number one and four)

6 LUGGING OLD BAGGAGE 

Expecting your current beau to mess up, cheat on you, or abandon you because that’s what your ex-husband, all your old boyfriends or your father did is unfair and sets the stage for trouble in paradise. Everyone deserves to start off a relationship with a clean slate, without the expectation of failure. Relationship experts warn that judging your man based on the bad actions of others lays the groundwork for a relationship built on doubt, insecurity and mistrust. The law of the land says all people (including men) are innocent until proven guilty, so don’t try, convict and hang him before he does something wrong. (This is something as humans we must learn to exclude from our lives and all of our relationship, not just romantic)

Democracy should not end on your doorstep.

7 SHOUTING AND POUTING 

Hell hath no fury like a Black woman scorned. Even the sweetest Sister can turn sour when sufficiently provoked. How many stories have you swapped with girlfriends about the nice little things you said or did to your significant other after he wronged you in some way, shape or form? And you must admit that some of those tales are downright frightening. If you think that scene in the movie waiting to Exhale where Bernadine made a bonfire out of her cheating husband’s BMW was just a product of the writer’s imagination, think again. Not to say that Black women just run around breaking and blowing up stuff, but we can lash out when the men we love hurt us. Experts say there’s nothing wrong with getting angry, even arguing. In fact, it’s healthy. Holding anger inside only allows it to fester until it erupts in self-destructive ways. Sisters should control their anger, and not let it control them. (Pouting drives me crazy)

8 DISRESPECTING HIM 

Whatever you care to call it–dissin’, putting in cheek, low-rating, fronting off, downing–all the names stand for the same thing, disrespect. Countless Brothers sound like Rodney Dangerfield, complaining that they get no respect from the workplace, from society, even from the women in their lives. “As Black men,” Psychologist Johnson says, “We’re not affirmed. We’re not looked at as positive, as powerful. We’re not looked at as men. We’re looked at as cheaters, we can’t be trusted–every negative.”

If Black women and men are to engage in healthy, loving unions, relationship experts say that mutual respect is a must. Women have to find effective, loving and affirming ways of getting their point across to their men. If a Brother does something displeasing to a Sister, she should wait until she’s cooled off, and then privately discuss it with him–which means not in front of his “boys” or her girlfriends. And what they discuss between them should stay between them. Anger should never give a woman a license for disrespect. (I have nothing)

9 ACCEPTING ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR 

Respecting a man doesn’t mean a Sister has to be his doormat. No matter how good he looks, how important he is, and how many bouquets of roses he sends to you after one of his “episodes,” under no circumstances should you put up with either physical or emotional abuse. Bumps and bruises heal, yet emotional sears may last a lifetime. Relationship experts say women should neither make excuses for his abuse nor believe that something they did or said is to blame for his violence. The experts assure women that it’s okay for them to still love their mates, yet leave them when their safety and peace of mind becomes jeopardized. Better to be alone and alive. (This is an obvious NO, although it happens allot, some women lose their voice)

10 LOSING YOURSELF 

Women often find themselves in relationships that are so self-absorbing that they no longer have time for family, friends or themselves. Johnson says that when women and men start relationships with each other, they both may shut off ties with everyone else “We unrealistically tend to believe that this person is going to fulfill every need we have,” he says. “`He’s going to be my lover, my best friend; I can talk to him about anything.’ Is it fair that the boyfriend, or the spouse, should fulfill all of those needs, all of those roles?”

Also, some Sisters love their men to death. This good-intentioned woman spends practically every minute of her time doting over him, attending to his every need, spoiling him rotten. Psychotherapist Boyd says that women must learn to love themselves first. “When I love myself first, it gives me space to love my partner.” (This should have been #1, so many women drown themselves in their relationship and forget about their friends and family, all of a sudden their only emotional outlet is their significant other, which can be disastrous, on numerous levels).

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make in Relationships

  1. thank you for your site. i got a lot of good imformation and straight to the point. i will save it. i broke off an engagement. it was very hard but i needed to i strated to not like myself and my angur and resentment was festering. i thought we want to change and grow together. he changed his mind. he is very much a part of my life we remain friends. it the lifestyles that are in conflict. we were changing both of us together on a wonderful path so i thought and than i became confussed and afaid when he tried to convince me that are old ways was better and could be us a wealthy and healthy life. it didn’t matter to me rich or poor i was willing to put all i could in to developing a honest and wholesome relationship. i still have lost a lot mostly time and myself and values. thank you again for this site. tc

    • Thank you so much for commenting, I appreciate every single word that you have written, I’m nt sure if your a religious person or not, or even follow my same religion which I christanity but, my pastor jut went through an amazing series called man school, which I eliev will help any women/man in reltionshop, if your interested goggle crosspoint commuintu church Katy tx, and the campus is westgreen and listen to the sermons of man school, 1-5, good luck love!! Once again thank you

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s